Turner

By: Morris Bakersfield

It’s ten minutes to midnight and I’m sitting on the toilet. There’s an obnoxious fly buzzing around my head. I don’t know where he came from. It’s November and I was under the impression flies died when summer ended.

I’ve decided to name the fly Turner. Turner occasionally lands on the black and white checkered tile below me, scampering around all high and mighty before buzzing back into the undoubtedly rancid bathroom air above. Turner knows he’s faster than me, and I can tell he takes great joy in flaunting about it. Frankly, it’s starting to get under my skin.

There’s something about Turner, though, that reminds me of myself: he’s unrelenting and possesses the agile nature of an ostrich. If I could fly and was half an inch in size, I would undoubtedly be Turner. I’m sure of this much.

I’m beginning wish Turner could speak. I have so many questions to ask. What do flies do in the morning? Do flies sleep in little fly beds? Is there a sect of the fly population that believes in New World Order conspiracies? Gaining a fly’s perspective on these questions that have long ruminated in my head would help my research greatly.

Turner is now flying behind the shower curtain. Unable to see him, I am assuming the worst: he’s debating whether or not to end it all. The stresses of a fly are mountainous, I’m sure. They only have twenty-four hours to live, and must accomplish so much during their brief time on the planet.

Imagine only having one day to live your entire life. What would you do? Me, I’d go to Chili’s; the corn is simply superb.

On the other side of my bathroom curtain, a fly is taking his own life. A heroic, brave member of the fly community is crumbling under the pressures of life.

R.I.P. Turner. Gone, but never forgotten.

Morris Bakersfield is an attorney and author based in Moscow, Idaho. His works have been published in several prestigious journals, including Desert Poets of the NWO, Anti-Christ Digest and Nature, Nature, Nature. You can subscribe to Morris’ mailing list here

*Long Live Guy Fieri wishes to inform you of the following corrections in this op-ed piece: Turner the fly is not dead. He was not suicidal and simply flying behind the bathroom curtain. He later flew away through the cracked doorway. The author of this piece does not possess the agile nature of an ostrich. 

We apologize for any inconveniences. 

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