Debunking My Son’s 2017 Conspiracy Theories

  • Lazarus Komnevic is hoarding an army of wasps in his 2004 Dodge Neon

No, our neighbor and Croatian-born Capricorn, Lazarus Komnevic, is not hoarding an army of wasps in his 2004 Dodge Neon in hopes of establishing a New World Order. We just saw Lazarus drive his 2004 Dodge Neon yesterday afternoon when he picked up his son, Lukas, from basketball practice. There were no bees in the car.

  • His mother, and my ex-wife Denise, is an informant for ISIS

As much as I wish Denise would crawl in front of oncoming traffic, I have to defend her here: she isn’t affiliated with ISIS. Timothy’s just pissed off his mother didn’t buy him a new iPad on Wednesday afternoon.

  • I’ve conspired with the Elders of Zion to make Timothy’s life a living hell

He’s spreading this false rumor in hopes I’ll lift his one-month ban from watching television. I said no television for a month and I mean it young man. Maybe when he stops berating the mailman with ethnic slurs we can revisit this discussion.

  • Clouds are white because they’re made from all the cum I’ve swallowed

This one comes down to basic science, really. Clouds are made up of condensed water vapors, not male ejaculate.

  • I ran over Mr. Giggles, our cat, with my 1996 Plymouth Voyager in 2012

Actually, he’s right about this one. I did reverse the van and, unknowingly, run over Mr. Giggles in the spring of 2012. I told Timothy he went to live at a cat camp in Ukraine, but he’s remained suspicious over the years. I’ll probably tell him the truth at some point in the future.

  • Timothy’s immune system was engineered by Xenu and is incapable of becoming ill

This kids had strep throat and an ear infection every winter since he was three. We’re talking seven years of prescriptions and doctors visits. Not to mention the countless tape worms and fungal infections he’s accrued from wrestling the last two years.

  • There’s a homicidal Clown named Dominic living in our shed

He taped a balloon to our riding lawn mower and spray painted “blood 4 clown Man (Dominic)” on the hood of my John Deere X320. It is not homicidal; it is an inanimate machine used for cutting the grass on a lawn. God I hate this kid.

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